The Sex Talk Of Doom
by CuriosityKilledKat
Summary: In which Harry must explain the birds and the bees to Lord Voldemort
1. The Theory

"I _hate_ Dumbledore," Harry muttered. He was currently tied to a chair with invisible bonds. His wand was gone (obviously) and he was helpless (again, if you didn't already guess that then you may be too young to read this).

"So, Harry, how does it feel to be completely at my mercy?" Voldemort said triumphantly, gesturing with his long, bony white hands.

"Please don't say it like that," Harry replied, shuddering. Voldemort frowned.

"And why not?"

"Well... it sounds a bit... _kinky_," Harry said, cringing. _Merlin,_ he thought. _I just said that to my mortal enemy!_

"Kinky?" Voldemort repeated, clueless.

"Yeah, you know... the whole sex slave bonding... thing?" Harry blushed.

"Sex?" Voldemort said slowly. "What is... sex?" Harry's eyes widened and he let out a hysterical bark of laughter.

"Yes. You _do_ know what sex is... right?"

"Of course I do!" Voldemort snapped testily. "But... what do you _do?_" Harry choked.

"Well?" Voldemort demanded as Harry tried to recover.

"Uh...well..." Voldemort lifted his wand, pointing it at Harry warningly. "Sex is... uh, as you know, a way to have...babies." Surprise appeared briefly on Voldemort's barely-human face, but he quickly hid it.

Harry cleared his throat in embarrassment.

"Well...when a man and a woman love each other-"

"I don't want to know about love!" Voldemort interrupted impatiently. "I want to know about sex!"

"I was getting to that!" Harry shouted back angrily.

"As I was _saying_ before you interrupted, when a man and a woman love each other, they feel certain... things. Physical things," Harry clarified. He stopped, looking about the room for a source of inspiration - and bravery - to continue.

"Hurry up! This is boring me!" Voldemort said, brandishing his wand again. Harry sighed.

"Well...there are four bases - or stages - in a physical relationship. First base is kissing... second base is, uh, touching..."

"Why would you willingly _touch_ someone?" Voldemort asked incredulously.

"Well, it's... pleasurable - depending on where you touch..." Harry trailed off.

"Go on," Voldemort said with a lazy flick of his free hand.

"Third base is... um... making out. And fourth base is sex." Harry shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"Making out? What is this?"

Harry thought about it. "You know what kissing is?" He asked carefully. Voldemort nodded slowly.

"Well, it's like... kissing and touching at the same time... with tongues... and things."

Voldemort still looked lost, so Harry decided to move on to the subject of sex itself.

"Sex is... um, well... our bodies are designed to..." Harry paused, swallowing convulsively as heat rose to his cheeks.

"Designed to?" Voldemort prompted, pretending to be uninterested.

"To... uh... reproduce. Guys have... penises... and sperm comes out of it when it is aroused enough..." Harry was, understandably, quite red by now. Almost as red as you would be if you were reading this with your mother watching.

"How do they become aroused?" Harry coughed in embarrassment, attempting to rid himself of horrible mental images concerning Voldemort... *cough*.

"Touching it."

"And how does this involve sex?"

"Well... a woman has certain body parts, too-"

"Penises?"

"Dear Merlin, no! They have... vaginas... um... an opening to the womb, which is connected to two fallopian tubes." Harry strangely found comfort in the pure science of it. "These have eggs in them-"

How do they fit _eggs_ up there?!"

"They... uh... grow them. Inside... it's a natural process..." Voldemort nodded slowly, understanding at least this point.

"Like chickens," he stated proudly.

If Harry hadn't been tied up, he would've slapped a hand over his face. Then again, if he weren't tied up, he wouldn't be in this mess now, would he?

"Not...quite. They don't _lay_ eggs... the eggs - once fertilised by a sperm - is the vessel for a baby. It sits in the womb for nine months as the baby grows, until it is developed enough to be born."

"How is it fertilised?" Voldemort looked almost like a child. A very, very scary one.

"Well, when a man and a woman get aroused... by touching and kissing each other... the man puts his penis into the woman's vagina. Continuously." Harry felt his face burning but continued on bravely like a true Gryffindor.

"If it is the right time of month, the egg is fertilised by sperm which travel up the fallopian tubes... and the man and woman usually have an... an orgasm." Harry closed his eyes tightly, feeling sick, and counted to ten.

"Orgasm?"

"Yeah... when the man ejaculates - sperm comes out - and the woman has muscle spasms. It is - allegedly - very pleasurable. Satisfying," Harry explained with clenched teeth.

"So all the man has to do is to put his penis in her vagina?" Out of Voldemort's mouth, it simply sounded... well, wrong.

"Usually, he has to do it continuously to have an orgasm." _Merlin!_ Harry's mind screamed. _Why me?!_

"Perhaps that is the reason Bellatrix keeps touching me... I shall try it with her and see what happens."

Harry's mind imploded.


	2. The Practical

Disclaimer: Moldy-Shorts, my husband, Sevy-Poo, my bit-on-the-side, and any other characters created by the immortal JK Rowling are definitely NOT mine - although that doesn't mean I can't play with them a little... every once in a while...

A/N: After the third review asking for me to continue with a sequel, I decided I simply could not keep my avid readers waiting! Of course, you must forgive me - I did the first part months ago, so if this chapter does not do it justice, I apologise to all who must endure my endless drabble!

A massive thank you to all those who read the first part, and in particular those who reviewed: thatfallingstar, HalfBloodPrincesa, TalaDentro, serenityselena, imatruenut, mooree, and most of all to FirstLaugh-LastTears, who very graciously gave me the inspiration I needed in the review she gave me!

Anyway, enough of me - let the story... COMMENCE!

After a long week of celebrations held by Lord Voldemort, who had successfully defeated Harry Potter, the conversation that had led to the inevitable death of Potter returned to him.

Much deliberation went into Voldemort's idea, and after a rather sleepless night during which he utilized a mirror to help him find the best way to propose the idea to Bellatrix, Voldemort finally found the best opening with which to have this 'sex' with Bella.

"Bella."

"Yes, milord?" Her smile, if perhaps a little manic, was attractive enough - if Voldemort were the kind of man willing to look.

"Come with me. I request your... assistance in a little _project _of mine." If Bella's smile were any wider, it may have fallen of her face, grown whiskers, and starred in Alice in Wonderland.

What kind of Dark Lord would Voldemort have been if he hadn't have thoroughly researched what Potter had told him moments before his mind had imploded?

Many nights, one would have found Voldemort in his private study, pouring over tomes and books - even those with the taint of Muggle on their pages - to better know the unknown - 'sex'.

From a book of _Love and Lust Potions for the Inexperienced _to a strange fictional series called '_Twilight_' - in which Voldemort frankly could not understand nor fathom why an immortal vampire with vast Legilimency powers would be attracted in the least to a clumsy _Muggle _- Voldemort read it all. He even had Severus' assistance in procuring a strange picture box that Muggles had created, and in which they stored many of their own adventures in life (In fact, it was eerily similar to a Pensieve, without all the dizzying side-effects).

After a particularly harrowing memory - dubbed 'The Notebook' - Voldemort had finally decided to act.

"Milord?" Bella asked, mystified, as the pair graced the entrance to the Dark Lord's private quarters.

"Disrobe, Bella. You are going to assist me in an activity I believe is called '_sex_'." Bella stood there in shock.

"Wha-what? What was that, Milord?" She asked incredulously, her breathing having accelerated drastically - to the point where Voldemort was concerned that she had no idea what sex was.

"Sex? Do you wish to have it? With me?" Voldemort sighed a little too dramatically - perhaps he'd read the _Twilight _series too many times (in order to understand it better, of course). "According to Potter, it is meant to be pleasurable - I wish to test this theory."

Bella suddenly snapped out of it, the manic spark in her eyes once again gleaming (almost reminiscient of Albus Dumbledore's twinkling blue eyes). "Of- of course, Milord! I am honoured!"

"Hurry up, then, Bellatrix, we don't have all day. After all, your husband may arrive at any time, and, according to my research, may act rashly in order to spare your innocence."

Bella hurriedly stripped down to her bare essentials, a slight blush alighting her cheeks at the thought of pleasing her Lord in such an intimate way.

The Dark Lord looked her up and down disdainfully, and sniffed. "You'll do." Apparently, a body such as hers should have elicited a physical reaction from him, and so it had... barely. It seemed he was well out of practise.

Now, the next part - he himself needed to do the stripping. With a quick flick of his wand - no, not that one - his robes flew off, to land in a neatly folded pile by Bella's crumpled clothes.

A gasp from Bella made him look up, almost self-consciously.

"Milord! You are... well... Milord!" It seemed Voldemort had reduced her to monosyllables with his appearance alone. According to his research, that was a positive reaction.

"Come here, Bella." She came - no, not in that way! - her eyes fixed on his derriere as he turned to move toward the bed. With Voldemort's snake-like hearing, he could hear Bella's heart accelerating by the second.

Voldemort mentally repeated Potter's words to himself, mentally preparing himself for the strange new endeavour.

"Being that I am new to this, Bella, I expect you to teach me well." If Bella's heart was fast before, it was now supersonic.

"Yes, Milord!"

"Yes, oh, _yes, _Milord!"

"Oh, Bella!"

"Oh, Edward-I mean, Milord!"


End file.
